Yesterday was an intense yoga practice day for me. It was physically intense because I did four classes; two back-to-back in the morning, then two back-to-back in the evening. It was mentally intense because my dark sides were persistent in letting their presence be known. Yet the greatest intensity was emotional. In closing meditation of my private practice my teacher had me focus on forgiveness, both of others and myself. I am not one much for forgiveness.
"Don Clericuzio was also revered for the strict moral code he enforced in his Family. Every man, woman, and child was completely responsible for his actions, no matter the stress, the remorse, or the hard circumstances. Actions defined a man; words were a fart in the wind. He disdained all social sciences, all psychology. He was a devout Catholic: payment for sins in this world, forgiveness in the next. Every debt had to be paid, and he was strict in his judgment in this world." Mario Puzo, The Last Don (New York: Random House, 1996), at 57.
Yes, I don't think I have ever utter the phrase, "I forgive you." If I have, I certainly have never meant it. And, I am still holding out for payment, for retribution, for a balancing of accounts, etc., where I have not yet exacted payment. Some of the wrongs I feel go as far back as childhood. Some are more recent. Maybe it is time to let it go. I seem to be the only one still suffering, those who I think have wronged me have moved on. I need to move on as well.
So, I forgive all those who I have wronged me, in fact or merely in my imagination. Perhaps this is the first step in learning to acknowledge and, then, forgive myself as well for some of the many wrongs I have done to others and to myself. It is not about escaping responsibility. I am responsible for the wrongs I have done. And, the price has to be paid, in this world or the next.
